Then I saw The Phantom Menace. Yes, he annoyed me, but I didn't jump on the "death to Jar Jar" bandwagon. I just looked at him as a "strictly for kiddos" character and moved on. However, as 15 years (has it really been that long?!?) has passed since his introduction, Jar Jar has taken his place in film history as one of, if not the most loathed movie characters of all time. Poor misguided Gungan. So, in honor of Star Wars day, I present ten characters that I find far more annoying than Jar Jar Binks. Some of you may agree with me, some may not, but these are the characters that set my nerves on edge more than would an entire two hours of "Meesa called Jar Jar Binks" madness.
Honorable Mention: Dr. Kafka in The Amazing Spider-Man 2
Dr. Kafka, as played by Marton Csokas, gets an honorable mention only because I was just introduced to him this week. He needs a little more time to earn his place among the monumentally annoying, but holy cow is he off to a good start. Every bit of good will built by the rest of the film is squandered whenever the sign for "Ravencroft Institute for the Criminally Insane" appears on screen. Dr. Kafka feels like he belongs in a 90's era Mel Brooks spoof than in a big budget superhero film.
10. Ace Ventura (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective) - It wasn't until The Mask that I got why people loved Jim Carrey and the reason is Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. I love comedies. Heck, I love "so dumb they're funny" comedies. However, I don't love "so dumb, they're dumb" comedies, and that's precisely what this is. On the recommendation of many friends, I watched this movie and I was glad that I watched it alone, because I found it about as funny as Schindler's List, which is to say, not at all. Every word that comes from that smug, rubbery face puts my nerves on edge. If you love this movie, I do not mean to dismiss your tastes. In this case, however, I do not share them.
9. Ron and Judy Witwicky (Transformers 2 and 3) - I don't include these characters on this list based on their inclusion in the first Transformers movie. In that film, I found them light and amusing. However, like most everything else in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen they were "upgraded" from amusing side characters to mindless and shrill focal points. It all goes downhill once Mrs. Witwicky eats a "special" brownie while dropping her son off at college. Then for reasons that are ridiculous, they're brought to the center of the action scenes in the Middle East, ruining every great special effect with non-stop screeching and "comic banter." Yes, I know a lot of people disliked Shia LaBeouf in these films, but he's Cary Grant compared to these two.
8. Bella Swan (The Twilight franchise) - Unlike most people, I do not put the blame for this character on Kristen Stewart at all. I've seen her in other movies and she can act circles around what she does in these films. No, I blame Stephanie Meyer, the one who concocted this selfish and shallow ode to teenage girls. Let me say this as plainly as I can: TEENAGE GIRLS DESERVE BETTER! First, the love story is weightless, making Padme and Anakin from Star Wars look like Romeo and Juliet. Secondly, Bella is written as a bland and personality-less character, who is inexplicably the most popular girl in a new school, in spite of the fact that she never speaks, she dresses like she's on a never-ending campout, and drives the dumpiest truck in town. Plus, she gets her eventual "powers" from giving up her family and her life for an emo dude that she's had roughly two conversations with. Again, I know many people who adore this character, but I find her an insult to the intelligence and emotional fortitude of all teenage girls.
7. Galbatorix (Eragon) - As Galbatorix in this filmed version of the popular fantasy book, John Malkovich turns in the most over-the-top performance of his career. Again, the most over-the-top performance of John Malkovich's career. That's saying a lot.
6. Mr. Freeze (Batman and Robin) - This spot could have just as easily gone to Poison Ivy from the same film, but Mr. Freeze gets the edge merely because of the demented glee Arnold Schwarzenegger seems to get from uttering some of the worst dialogue ever written. He chews every ice-related pun as if it's a rare delicacy. While many of the actors in this movie clearly look like they realize how horrible it is, Schwarzenegger looks like he's having the time of his life. Unfortunately, that extra commitment doesn't make the character less annoying, it just makes me feel sad to know that this is the same man who played The Terminator.
5. Ruby Rhod (The Fifth Element) - Much like Jar Jar Binks, Ruby Rhod was clearly written as the comic relief in a fairly serious space adventure. However, unlike Jar Jar, Ruby screams every inane thing he says in the most annoying voice possible. He (yes, he) would be annoying as all get out if he merely spoke his horrible dialogue in a regular voice, but he screeches for two whole hours, making what should be one of the most unique sci-fi epics of the last 20 years almost unbearable.
4. Willie Scott (Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) - As long as this character is singing, she's charming and a welcome change of pace for the adventures of our favorite whip-cracking archaeologist. Unfortunately, she only sings for the first two minutes. From then on out, she whines and whines and whines. One wonders if Indy finally kisses her just to keep her from speaking. Whenever someone talks about how horrible Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is, I secretly want to force them to watch a loop of the Willie Scott scenes in Temple of Doom. Suddenly CGI monkeys and "nuking the fridge" don't seem so bad, do they?
3. Rasputia Latimore (Norbit) - Eddie Murphy needs a fat suit intervention. He should never be allowed within 50 feet of latex for the rest of his life. It's bad enough that in this inexplicably successful film he played the villain as a fat woman, but that he played her as a reprehensibly selfish and grotesquely crude fat woman is downright prejudiced. He may of thought he was being funny, but in fact was insulting any woman who was overweight with tired cliches and callous mockery. Plus, this is the role with which he chose to follow up Dreamgirls, quite possibly the best (non-animated) performance of his career. Just sickening.
2. Skids and Mudflap (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen) - The only reason I can think that these two were allowed to exist is that Michael Bay couldn't stand the thought of George Lucas holding claim as creator of the most reviled and racist CGI character in history. From their names to their jive talk to their exaggerated facial features, these characters feel like rejects from a 20's era vaudeville routine. Not to mention that the actual dialogue they spout is insultingly inane.
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1. Little Nicky (Little Nicky) - Quite simply the most obnoxious, ridiculous, grotesque, grating character I have ever seen in a film. Little Nicky is the worst film ever to star Adam Sandler (let that sink in a little) and his characterization of the title character is ill-conceived in every way. While there is absolutely comic potential in portraying the son of the devil as a dunce destined to accidental greatness, Sandler makes sure that the character is utterly impossible to empathize with by giving him insulting dialogue, a horrible speech impediment, and facial ticks that make Jim Carrey seem like a model of restraint. I watched this movie once and I would rather watch Jar Jar get his mouth numbed by a thousand power couplinks than endure another minute of this monstrosity.
So, while Jar Jar is annoying, for me at least, he is not the worst. May the Fourth Be With You, everyone!
I am in much agreement with this list, except I probably would have had Willie at the top and kept Ruby off. Ruby was a great part of fifth element...in my humble opinion. If we would have known he needed matches, he would have never have quit smoking.
ReplyDeleteI knew that Ruby would be a somewhat controversial choice, I just find Chris Tucker so grating in that role. And, yes, Willie started as number one for me, but then the other three floated top the top like a Clark bar in a swimming pool.
ReplyDeleteI agree with most of these. Jar Jar really didn't bother me so much. Annoying, yes. Hell-spawn? Not so much. Just annoying.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to plead ignorance on some of them, because I haven't seen all the movies in question, but of the ones I have seen, the only one I disagree with is Ace Ventura. Carey has done far more annoying characters (Dumb and Dumber) than Ace.
And though it may cost me a few 100 in geek points, I'm going to say Rick Deckard from Bladerunner. I have never read the story ("Do robots dream of electric sheep") and I'd really like to, because I think it might salvage the film for me, but I hate hate hate the film, and Ford's character is a big reason why. I find him to be whiney, pathetic, and so indecisive it makes Hamlet look like an action hero. Ford played it brilliantly (if, indeed, that was the point), but I hate the character.